Sometimes, we humans in all our good, concerted efforts, best of intentions, and determination to be the best version God has created us to be, lose sight that He is God and we are not. Sometimes we need to be reminded to be still, to lie down. In Psalm 23, we learn that our Good Shepherd makes us “lie down in green pastures.” In this competitive, do more, do better, never enough society, we often feel that more is better. And when that happens, He is right there to let us know that less is quite enough.
It was late May of 2017; school was out for the summer, and my family had an exciting trip to the Southwest planned for early June. We would be flying from Cincinnati to Denver, where we would begin the journey of driving over 3,000 miles to take in the glorious sights of seven different National Parks. As most Moms do, I was experiencing feelings of anxiety in the days leading up to the trip. I kept trying to stuff the feelings down and remind myself “it’s always high stress right before a big trip, Jodi, calm down.” But, this felt different in some way; it was a restlessness that was affecting my daily functioning, focus, and sleep. Looking back I remember telling Matt that something was off. I explained it as being “on edge”.
Remind you, school was out for the summer, and I am a teacher. I typically am taking a huge sigh of relief at this time of year. But I wasn’t; not in the least. I gave my parents a heads up that I was feeling “off”; I assured them I was fine and that I was not calling to worry them, but that I simply wanted their prayers for my peace. I also shared my feelings with my gynecologist, as I thought being in my early forties that there may be some hormonal explanation. She assured me that I was too young to be experiencing (pre)menopausal symptoms. She told me to call her when I returned from the trip, and she could prescribe an anti-anxiety medication to see if that helped. So, off I went on what was sure to be one of the happiest adventures of a lifetime with Matt and the kids.
It was not an adventure in any fun sense of the word for me; rather it was an adventure of me grasping to wrangle in my anxiety, my sleeplessness and compulsiveness. It was me always having my eye out for the closest hospital, urgent care, ranger station; all while trying to paste a smile on my face and appear to Matt and the kids that I was having the time of my life. I should rewind here a bit and explain, for those of you who don’t know, that I have a heart condition that has required a few medical procedures and medication. I was obsessing over a story I had created in my own mind. One where we would be out hiking and I would collapse, or we would be midflight and I would suffer a heart attack. Both of these stories had endings of me not getting the help I needed in time to survive. Every scenario I created in my mind, included me leaving Matt and the kids way too soon. Missing out on things like watching their sporting events, enjoying each other around the firepit on Saturday nights, sending them off for the first time as they drove the car, dating, high school dances, graduations, weddings, life. I kept telling myself, “Jodi, it’s fine. I am fine. Everything is fine.” But it wasn't. This period of ongoing insomnia, led to a long, dark and scary period of crippling anxiety and depression. (See other Becoming writings for this story).
When we returned from our trip, I waited a few weeks before calling my gynecologist about the anti-anxiety medication. I remember calling her 4th of July weekend while we were visiting our family in Connecticut. She listened to my symptoms, and called in an order for the medication. Well, I took that for two nights and refused to ever take it again. IT MADE ME CRAZY- LITERALLY. I was tremoring and shaking; I was pacing like a caged animal; I was having the darkest, scariest, most bizarre thoughts a person could have. I figured if I was having such a horrific response to the medication, then surely I must not need it. So, I stopped taking it. Period. The End.
But the anxiety and depression did not stop. No period. No End.
And my grasping, my desperation, my attempting to fix it all did not end either.
Fast forward to October of 2017 where I was not listening to my sleepless body. I was hiding how bad my struggle had become from everyone except Matt. I had shared bits and pieces here and there with my parents, Matt’s parents, and a few of my close friends. But no one, except Matt, knew that I was up every night from 1 AM until the alarm went off at 5 AM; no one but Matt knew I was crying every morning, every night, and throughout most of my time at school. I literally hid in my classroom or the restroom and cried EVERY DAY. Then, one day (I remember it like it was yesterday) Friday, October 6th of 2017 I found myself at my desk, before my students arrived for the day, unable to remember the password for my computer, unable to use the key to unlock my filing cabinet, unable to start planning for the next week, unable to think, unable to think at all. The only thing my body allowed me to do was to call my dear, loving friend who taught in the school with me. She answered, but I couldn’t speak. All I did was say her name through sobs. She immediately, came to my room, got me and my things and drove me home. I remember trying to control that scenario too. I had a meeting that morning I needed to attend; it was Homecoming weekend for Anna; my in laws were in town; I had an ETR and IEP to get ready for a meeting that following Monday. But, she didn’t have time for talk; she was in full blown, best friend, beast mode; and she was going to get me outta there, come hell or high water. She got me home, hugged me goodbye, and my in laws cared for me from there. The weekend passed, and I, of course, returned to work on Monday. My amazing leader, principal of the school, came to me and asked me to take time to rest, rejuvenate, and care for myself.
Well, to make a long story, journey short. I spent from the second week of October of 2017 to January of 2018, doing just that. I finally started getting some sleep; which was in and of itself a Godsend. But more importantly, I had the time to dig deep enough to realize that the one person I had not yet really talked to about all of this, the one person I had not asked for any specific guidance or advice from was THE ONE that could save me from it all. God. Sure I had pleaded to him “God,please!” “Why, God?” “What is this for, God?” But I had not surrendered to Him. As John states in the Gospel (John 3:30) in regards to him baptizing people before Jesus and unbelievers questioning Jesus beginning to baptize,”He must become greater; I must become less.” I was putting all of my faith and trust in my own actions, my own can do all, be all, fix all mentality. When, in fact, I need to become less so that He could become more.
I struggled with this because “less” means of lower rank or importance; to a smaller extent; not so much- I did not struggle with accepting that I am less than God, or that He is greater than me. And, although it was a brown, withered seed, I did have every faith that He would pull me out of the muck and the mire. But, boy oh boy, did I struggle with the time and patience that it took. Time and patience, to start getting decent sleep at night; time and patience to find a counselor that I felt comfortable with and that shared my love for Jesus; time and patience to find the just right medication and the just right dose; and time and patience to accept myself, accept my struggle, accept my need for help; accept my human “ness”; and time and patience to rid myself of the shame and be willing to share my struggle with others. And last, but certainly not least, time and patience to study His word; I mean really study it. Read it, write it, ask Him questions, seek His guidance. Scour it for verses that would speak life into my soul at the time. In my season of feverishly searching, a verse that has always been familiar to me suddenly “came to me” (ahem- I think the Big Guy upstairs had a hand in this). Romans 5:3-4 says, “....but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” I quickly realized that the words are there, all of them. Right there in print. Words that can affirm, uplift, nourish and save. And, guess what? I didn’t have to scour for them; He very clearly spoke to me through the wisdom of others. Whether it be Matt, my dad, my friends, my counselor, a co worker that was, and still is, a pillar of strength and spiritual mentorship to me, or in my daily devotionals, and Bible readings, His hands were all over my struggling, growing, and flourishing.
The words were there when I needed them, right when I needed them the most; and I venture to believe, dear friend, they always have been. But, I needed to slow down, to become less, to realize I needed them more than anything else in the world. A few of my favorite “go to” Scripture verses during this time, and still to this day, are listed here. Some of them require my added commentary. My prayer is that they feed your soul as well; that they help you understand and trust that you can be less; you can be sad; you can be scared; you can be angry; you can be disappointed; you can be lonely; and He, He will always be more.
CoIossians 4:2- “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” -For as long as I live, I will never forget the time Mom and Dad were visiting when I was going through this struggle, and as they were saying their goodbyes, Dad took my face, gently cupped it in his hard working, calloused hands, looked gently and lovingly into my eyes and in his own sweet and tender way shared this verse with me and said, “Sis, look for the good. It is all around you. Be watchful for it and give thanks for it. Don’t let that old devil take it from you.” He was a man of few words; but, when he spoke, Dad always got it just right. You have no idea what this verse means to my family and me today. Dad is gone; we miss him like crazy; there is a huge hole in our heart, but we will ALWAYS be watchful and thankful.
Romans 12:12- “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, persistent in prayer.” This became my daily mantra and still is. I remember my sister-in-law, texting me one morning when I was on my leave from work. She asked if there was a verse that I was holding onto that she too could use in prayer for me. I told her it was this one. This verse sums up everything we need- hope because we will face adversity and affliction in this life, and the best we can do for ourselves and others is pursue our awesome God in prayer- earnest, simple, straightforward prayer.
2 Corinthians 4:8- “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” -I read and/or recite this verse daily as well. For I realize that as a human of hyperbole, I tend to blow things out of proportion. You know, exaggerate a little. Go figure! So this is my “in your face” reminder that some days are harder than others, that I will have feelings of pain and fear, that I will be judged and excluded by some at certain times in my life, but that I have a God that has placed loved ones in my life that will help see me through, and better yet I have Him. He will never leave or forsake me.
So as I struggled with becoming “less”, in the sense that I was taking time off work, I was relying on others (i.e. doctors, counselors) to help me, I was struggling in front of my kids, I was leaning on Matt harder than I ever had in our sixteen years of marriage, I also grew more than any other time in my life. The quote by Scott Perry, “Less is more. Progress is made through precise, persistent, and purposeful pushes,” perfectly sums up the time that my principal urged me to take in order to rest, rejuvenate, and care for myself. I had the time I needed to pursue God, pursue professional help, and pursue myself. In order to fully understand His “highness” and the light that He shines, I had to go low; I had to see the darkness.
One of the personal growths that came from this season, was that I started, albeit reluctantly, taking yoga classes in June of 2018. And, I fell in love. It is now an integral part of who I am; so much so that I am currently seeking my Yoga Teacher Certification. I had heard that the life of a lotus is not the most glamorous; but something I have learned in studying the philosophy of yoga, is that the lotus flower is regarded in many different cultures, especially in eastern religions, as a symbol of purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration, and rebirth. Its characteristics are a perfect analogy for the human condition, my condition, my existence, and I venture to guess possibly your existence as well - even when its roots are in the dirtiest waters, the Lotus produces the most beautiful flower. The being that emerged and grew from my lowest, deepest, and darkest waters, is by far, my children excluded, the most beautiful I have ever produced.
Becoming less, being less, coming from less can be SO MUCH MORE!
In fact, dear one, author Max Lucado’s exquisite read He Chose the Nails unwraps and walks us through a detailed examination of Jesus doing just this. He became less, so that we could become more. The book shares all the other gifts of Calvary. It is more than the human imagery of one cross, three nails. There are so many promises and sacrifices; the soldier’s spit, the crown of thorns, the sign that hung above Jesus’ head, the two crosses that were adjacent to Jesus where criminals were being crucified, the path, the garment, the flesh, and on and on. Read Lucado's book; I promise you, your love, passion and gratitude for Jesus’ sacrifice will be forever changed. You will be blown away by what HE CHOSE to do- just for you. The only requirement for our salvation was the shedding of blood, but Jesus did so much MORE. You will clearly see how “the Beauty became the Beast, so that the Beast could become the Beauty” I encourage you to pick up this read; you will devour it. You will be awestruck at what He did to be less. He came into this world the son of a Virgin; he was denied as the Savior from the very beginning. He was a humble carpenter; he associated with the criminals; He spent his days talking with the prostitutes and those plagued by disease. He washed the feet of unbelievers, He chose twelve outsiders to be his disciples; He performed miracles, yet he was still denied. I remind you He could have called an army of angels to save himself from the Cross of Calvary, but He didn’t. He became so, so low on the day of his crucifixion, but He still cried out, “Father forgive them…” He could have come into this world as a loud, boisterous, powerful God, but He didn’t. He came with power, but he also came with humility, grace, compassion, kindness and the greatest love you or I will ever know. You will weep at how low He became, so that we could become more- we could become followers, believers, disciples, and His children. At the conclusion of reading Lucado’s book, you will be left thinking “He did this for me?”
Looking back at pictures from our National Park whirlwind tours and reminiscing about the times we had, I realize that I was enjoying myself. I was making memories with my amazing family that would last me a lifetime. And, I can now see more clearly just how fierce and gentle God is. He was with me the entire trip; He never let go of my hand; He gave me the courage and strength to see it through and while He was at it, He sprinkled it with joy and loving memories. I sought Him with my worry, I sought Him with my fear, and He answered me; He delivered me. When I attempted to relentlessly push on, power through, pretend it away, and take pride in prioritizing societal performance over His work in me, He played His perfect hand and protected me. He spoke to me and instructed me to go with Him “to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark 6:31). I give Him all the glory for helping me realize then, and still today, what I need. And I praise Him for making me “lie down in green pastures.” Learning to Become Less, so that He could Become More is my life’s greatest lesson.