Tears. Why do I hold them back? Why do I fight them? Why do I apologize for them?
***
Tears are sadness. Tears are happiness. Tears are sorrow. Tears are joy. Tears are relief. Tears are frustration. Tears are grief. Tears are love. Tears are fear. Tears are feelings that puddle up in the corners of my eyes.
***
I am learning to let go; let go of the fight to contain my tears. I am letting go of feeling embarrassed about crying. I am letting go of fighting the tears. Why should I fight what I feel? And for me tears come with all the feels- I cry when I’m sad, when I’m overjoyed, when I’m tired, when I’m frustrated, and for sure when my heart has been touched in a loving way. My kids know that I call these “Happy Tears”, and literally they are the best kind of tears. I mean who doesn’t love being happy?
***
But I want to remind myself to let the tears come just as the feelings come. I want to notice them, admit them, and feel them in the fullest way. So, if tears come with my feelings, so be it. I will let them fall. I will let them flow.
***
I am aware of my tears and why they come when I am sad or hurt. I know others understand the reason for these tears too. The tears over missing my dad. The tears over the hate that exists in our world; the tears over helplessness that overcome when a loved one is making bad decisions and self destructing or going through a really tough time and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Or my tears over The Church, while it’s supposed to be the most open, loving, accepting place, it is often one of the most close-minded, judgmental places to be. For these tears I pray, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8).
***
The same understanding exists when I have tears of joy. Tears that spring up because my heart has been touched by the sweetness of a loved one, or a precious memory that rises up from the depths of my past- because the days pass slowly, but the years fly by. These may come when I hear a certain song, watch home videos with my family, watch from the corners of my eyes as my children do and say kind and loving things for and to each other. Or they may come as I have a sweet exchange with one of my students at school or as I look out over the beautiful faces of my Faithful Flow ladies as they pour their hearts into their journals. These tears of joy flow when I recall that Jesus has me- always; and I am reminded that His grace and love are unending. For these tears I give thanks in prayer, “Tears of joy will stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care. They will walk beside quiet streams and on smooth paths where they will not stumble” (Jeremiah 31).
***
Then I have tears that come so unexpectedly, during the most ordinary moments, the tears that trickle down my face and leave me asking, “Why am I crying? Where did this come from?” And I have learned that these are the tears that just are. Maybe they express sorrow or hurt, maybe they express joy and love, or maybe they’re a little bit of all the emotions rolled into one. These tears gather in the corners of my eyes over things like watching Anna clear the snow off her car in the morning before she drives off to work; seeing the focus and determination on Jack’s face as he focuses on one of his many drawings; seeing Abby’s face light up when we snuggle on the couch for one of our many binge watching sessions of Gilmore Girls; and cheering Maggie on as she plays soccer or basketball with such grit and determination. These tears come when Matt knows I need a hug before I even ask for one.
***
I have learned that tears express what I am feeling when I don’t have the words to speak. Tears are prayers that I share with God without having to say a word because He just knows. He knows I am sad and hurting. He knows that my heart overflows with joy. He understands that I am overcome with emotion. Tears are the proof of just how much I love the people in my life and the time that we have together. Tears remind me how much I miss and hurt over the loss of those people and times that are no longer with me.
***
My tears are my feelings. They are the collection of proof that I have lived and loved, and that I am still living and loving. So, I will let them fall. I will let them flow.
תגובות