“Knowledge comes from learning. Wisdom comes from living.”
-Anthony Douglas Williams
According to Google, I am in the throes of middle age. Yep, I am a member of the elite group that is fortunate enough to experience many physical changes that so kindly remind me that I am aging. You know, things such as gray hair and hair loss, wrinkles and age spots, decline of vision - Yes, I have readers! Even better, I was told yesterday that I have metatarsal neuroma...WHAT!?!? So the last day or so has consisted of me hobbling around, icing my foot and applying arthritis gel all while eagerly awaiting the arrival of my metatarsal sleeves. And, let’s not forget about the little more to love around the middle. I think it’s commonly called the middle age spread. Nice! Even better are the conversations that ensue with my houseful of teenagers when I tell them I am tired and going to bed at 10 PM. So if we’re going to do Game Night or watch a movie we better start it by 8 at the latest cause Mama’s ready for bed; and they look at me dumbfounded, as their days are just getting started. One day they too will feel the bliss that comes from crawling into bed and reading themselves to sleep; it takes three pages max for me to be joyfully dancing in LaLa Land. But you know what? I wouldn’t trade a single gray hair, age spot, wrinkle, or love handle for the wisdom I have gained over the years as I have traversed to middle age.
I spent my childhood, teen years and young adulthood- including college, early years of career and marriage, and birthing four babies in less than six years in the understanding stage; day to day living figuring out what the real world is really all about. I thought I knew it all, don’t we all? Bless our hearts! I was so busy achieving, doing, accomplishing, helping, performing, pleasing, perfecting, interacting, entertaining that I didn’t have time to notice that I wasn’t fully feeling or living. I was in survival mode, as are most young precious career oriented, family building parents. While I have vivid memories of special moments from those years ingrained in my mind - thank God for the over one million photos and videos I took- most of those years, if I’m being honest, are a complete blur. The days were long, but the years sure did fly by.
As the years went on, all that doing, all the understanding, slowly started transforming into knowing- taking the learning and honing my crafts with experience. I found myself to be quite savvy at cooking dinner, while assisting a little one with homework, while switching over loads of laundry, while responding to work emails, while texting other parents to schedule playdates and sleepovers, while planning meals for the next week and making the grocery list for the planned meals, while scheduling everyone’s flu shot, while adding my name to the Sign Up Genius volunteer roster… and then getting everyone in bed just to go back downstairs for a moment of peace and quiet with Matt; or, more likely, to grade papers and hammer out other paperwork that was required of me, or connect with my girlfriends in an attempt to find some time to be with each other….. you see where all this is going right??? I was crushing the Mom thing, the wife thing, the friend thing, the teacher thing, the active, contributing member of society thing...whatever that is… but I wasn’t feeling or living or enjoying. I was just doing. You know, dear reader, the whole “I don’t have time to feel this or that, I just need to put my nose to the grind and get ‘er done” mentality.. I don’t need help, I don’t want help, I don’t ask for help. I just do, do, do.
And then came the summer of 2017 when I had recently entered a new decade… remember all the fun things that come with middle age? Along with the physical changes, I was faced with some eye opening emotional changes. My two oldest offspring were entering high school and junior high; they were being confronted with all the loveliness that comes with this age. And, they were both branching out, spreading their wings and spending more time with friends than at home where I could keep a watchful eye on them, schedule their day, and have access to all the intel. Abby and Maggie were both still within my wrangling realms. Their social calendars depended on me making plans with their friends’ moms. But with Anna and Jack I felt my sense of control, my ability to make decisions for them slipping away. While a big part of my heart was bursting with joy for them, and their new adventures as teens, I was also scared to death. I was the one that did the “doing”, so letting go of that control was a real struggle for me. All of these emotions, along with the lovely changes that come with entering middle age, (and the handiwork of God himself- more on this later) brought me to a place of full stop.
All the years of doing, controlling, micro managing, perfecting, performing, and pleasing came crashing down and I realized that I was in a place where I couldn’t keep up the pace. I began to suffer from extreme insomnia. My lack of sleep, and worry over the lack of sleep I was getting, spiraled into severe anxiety. The intensity of the anxiety, and worrying about worrying, eventually led to me feeling depressed much of the time. I cried every morning out of sheer exhaustion; I cried in the bathroom at work between teaching hours; I cried on my drive home; I cried a lot! I was embarrassed of these “feelings”; and I carried shame around my perception that I was not performing to the best of my abilities as a wife, mother, friend or teacher. I remember being so ashamed, so embarrassed, so disappointed in myself for having the feelings and thoughts I was having. By stuffing them down, ignoring them, pretending them away, they only grew larger and became louder. Outside of sharing my struggle with Matt, my parents, and a few close friends, I carried on as if nothing were wrong. Until, one day, I couldn’t. I needed help; and, for the first time in my life, I put my shame, pride and self-righteousness aside, and I asked for it.
While I was fortunate to have several key players in my life that were willing to step up and help me; my greatest source of strength and resiliency came from God. As I reflect on this growth journey, it is crystal clear that He placed those “players” in my life exactly when and how I needed them the most. This God given support team encouraged me to take time off work to rest, they pointed me in the direction of some amazing counselors, they called me and texted me to let me know they were thinking of me and to share words of encouragement with me, they met me for walks and talks, and most importantly they lifted me in prayer. What I thought was going to be a few weeks off from teaching, ended up being an entire quarter of the school year.
You see, it wasn’t just about my body needing some rest or time away to slow down. It was my spiritual, mental and emotional self screaming at me that it was time to make a huge change in my life. It was time to reevaluate, reexamine and rethink my priorities. And when I didn’t listen to the messages that God was sending me through my body, my feelings, my lack of sleep, my tears, my anxiety, He stepped in and hit the pause button for me. He brought everything to a screeching halt. Along with having the time to rest, to seek therapy and find a wonderful counselor, and to see an array of doctors in regards to various symptoms I was having, my time off also afforded me a lot of solitude, pleading, praying, and tear filled conversations with God.
You see, I had to get real with God. I could no longer get by with a rushed, tired prayer or a quick Sunday visit to church. In this time of fear, uncertainty and loneliness I did the only thing I knew to do. I dug deep into His word; I studied, prayed and meditated. I was at a complete loss of what was “wrong” with me, and I certainly had no idea how to “fix” it. So I sought wisdom from Him with everything I had. I had to let go of the striving, the grasping, the doing and let Him take control. I would surrender in one moment or on one day, then I would take it back and try to control it, fix it all myself. Admittedly, this is still hard for me, the “letting go and letting God”; it is a daily challenge. But seeking wisdom from God and others that He lovingly placed in my life and by truly listening and leaning in to my discomfort, I realized I had to be still. I had to trust His plan, His future for me. It wasn’t easy for me to stop the performing, the pretending, the people pleasing; asking for help and guidance takes courage. This was one of many life situations that God was using to remind me that I am human; I am not perfect and nobody, especially Him, expects me to be. I have always been grateful for my Christian upbringing, but it was never needed more than it was during this time in my life. I recalled James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you”, and I pleaded with God to give me the wisdom I needed to get through this. I also learned from God, and my counselor, that the thoughts, mind habits, and history of always doing that were ingrained in me had to be recognized, confronted and released. This required, and still requires, a great deal of practice and discipline. But I know, for He tells me, that if I “ Listen to advice and accept discipline, at the end I (you) will be counted among the wise” (Proverbs 19:20). So I did, and I still do. I discipline myself by getting up early every morning to spend time in His word. No longer do I rush my prayers, no longer do I read His word with no attention or focus, and no longer do I “listen” to a sermon while thinking of a thousand other things. And, the advice dearest to me and closest to my heart was given to me by my dad. He told me, “Sis, think of the good things, all the blessings you have in life. Make a list of everything and everyone that brings you joy and happiness; write about the countless times God has shown up for you in the past.” Sounds a lot like God’s advice in Philippians 4:8 “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.”
As I trudged along this dark path and feared what the end result would be, I knew deep in my heart that God had a plan. He was going to use all of this for good. Afterall, that is what He does. I quickly realized that God was teaching me to be more compassionate, patient, accepting and respecting of others. I saw that I was self- righteous and judgmental. Before this transformation, as I like to call it, I was not good about putting myself in someone else’s shoes. My way was the right way; why didn’t others do their work, their parenting, their everything like I did? Well, in my fall from grace, God showed me that I have no idea what others are going through and therefore I should never pass judgment on them or their ways. He used this as a wake up call to teach me that life is hard, and I needed to grow. I needed to grow in patience; I needed to grow in being able to relinquish control; I needed to grow in realizing that other people were suffering or had most likely suffered in ways I would never know, and I needed to grow in my ability to accept that feelings, mine and others, are not “shoulds” or “should nots” - they just are. In the midst of my struggle, I gained compassion for others. I was at my all time low, so I saw with my own eyes and felt with my own heart what real struggle, conflict and suffering is like. And rather than stuff the feelings that come with this type of experience away or ignore them by working harder, working longer, or doing more, I needed to allow them to exist, I needed to accept them and use them constructively before they became self- destructive. At the time, I believed I was the only one who had every felt this way… lost, sad, exhausted, dark, anxious, helpless and hopeless. But God had greater plans in store for me and my family.
God used this struggle to teach me, to teach my family, to grow us from doing to being, from knowing to living. It was a real life, real time lesson for me, Matt and our kids that life is hard. We’d all had it pretty easy up to this point. But I learned that I can get knocked down and get back up. My kids saw me fall, but they saw me ask for help, they saw me get help, they saw me work hard, with grit and grace to come back even stronger. God used this time in my life to give me wisdom, and in turn, I now have knowledge from an experience such that I can share wisdom with others. I can say with empathy and an honest heart, “It does get better. It will get better. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives.” There is no shame; there is no blame. This face down period of my life brought me more growth than any other experience that has come before, and my hope is that by sharing my story I am helping someone else fully live theirs. My walk with Christ is more passionate than it has ever been. I am disciplined and dedicated to seeking Him first thing every morning, so that I can have solitude with Him. His word inspires me for the day, relieves worries from my heart, and gives me moral direction and advice to live the day with greater wisdom. As I continue my journey through middle age, I find peace in Kenneth Koch’s words “You aren’t the age you are. You are all the ages you have ever been!” I won’t say I have no regrets because I do regret the way I was “doing” rather than “living”, but I don’t regret the things I went through to teach me all the things I needed to learn. So, middle age, go ahead and throw another gray hair, another wrinkle, another love handle, another physical ailment my way; because, guess what….I am stronger, I am braver, I am wiser.
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