I just received my 100 Days to Brave devotions book. I decided to order the book in the midst of a government mandated, schools closed, (I am a teacher..WHAT!?!?!) quarantine due to the viciously active and deadly COVID-19 Worldwide Pandemic. I had also recently become a huge fan of Annie F. Downs’ due mostly to her podcast That Sounds Fun, and I shared her Quarantine Episodes with my husband, Matt, as we were traveling in the PNW when the “school is closed for 3 weeks” shifted in a mere 24 hours to the entire country is on lock down. We have had several hard laughs listening to Annie and her friend Eddie talk about nothing, literally. Just your normal, every day, run of the mill country shut down, self-isolation banter. I love Annie’s quick wit, her sense of humor, and her contagious laugh. But, even more, I love listening to her because she is so inspiring- Christ- filled, funny, loving, caring, witty and on a brave mission to share Jesus with the world. A mission, that no matter how small my role, I want to be a part of it. Well, most likely not part of Annie’s mission; but, I want to be brave and step out on my quest for a mission to help others become brave- help them find their faith, help them find their purpose, help them find their gifts, help them find themselves.
As I have “entered” (ahem….been here for 4 years) a new decade in life, my forties, I have learned more about myself; I have grown like no other time before, and I have learned new ways to become brave. But what has become profoundly apparent to me is that this person that is emerging, this new way of living, this be free, stand tall, be brave Jodi has been inside of me all along; she just wasn’t, or isn’t quite yet, fully bloomed. As I have become more in tune and connected with myself, my faith, God’s word, my yoga practice, and more aware of the thinking and purpose behind my practice, and how my yoga practice works for me, I am beginning to understand the idea that these amazing, fruit-filled seeds were planted a lifetime ago. And slowly, over time, with the awakening of myself, with the dawning of a new way to live life, with the undeniable need for God, and my willingness to try new things (i.e., therapy, journaling, meditating, and YOGA!) these seeds are sprouting.These seeds are growing. And, some of these seeds are even blooming. I have no doubt that eventually all of these seeds will blossom in their own time and in their own way. For now, I want to plant more good seeds.
I have experienced disappointments in my life; but in all honesty, I have to say that I have not suffered like many people on this Earth have. My life, for the most part, has been smooth sailing; clear, beautiful waters- very few waves or even wakes. I believe this, in and of itself, strange as it may seem, has been a detriment to me. Because, over the past 2 ½ years when strong currents and threatening waves of sadness and despair did make their way into my waters, I felt like I was drowning for a long while. My life was cruising along successfully with very little effort on my part; I became lazy; I became complacent; I became unaware of the blessings around me; I took it all for granted.
Then the storm hit, and I had no choice. The only way to get to the other side of the storm, was to walk through it. I was scared; I was frozen; I was stuck. Thankfully, I had people in my life that were there for me: a darling, dear and loving husband; a God filled loving family; and friends that loved and supported me with no limits, and doctors and counselors that guided me with beautiful lights and words of advice and wisdom. But, when push came to shove, I had to dig deep. Deep inside of me, I had to dig to find that internal desire; I had to dig to find that internal fire; I had to dig to find that internal strength; I had to dig to find and bring forth the grit and the grace, the endurance and perseverance that God had planted in me so long ago. And, I did. I still do. I put in the hard work every day. With the help of my Heavenly Father, my loved ones, and my own determination, to not just “do” this life, but to LIVE every God given moment of it. Seeds… plant them, water them, nurture them, protect them from the frost, give them sunshine, and then sit back and watch them flourish.
I have been brave before, but I am also an anxious, people pleasing, make it all “look” good perfectionist. Or, at least I used to be,and in some extent probably always will be….. genetics, planted seeds, what have you…. The seeds I have, the seeds that have been planted in my soul are for a reason. Good seeds, or bad seeds, I am the gardener; I get to decide what gets produced and what gets uprooted and thrown away. I was never promised a life without trouble, but I was promised an eternal love and salvation from my Maker above. I’ve known and loved Jesus all my life. But, I have never been braver or more IN LOVE with Jesus than in this very moment of life. Sure, I have bad days, sad days, scared days, angry days (or as my counselor would say “bad moments” there is no such thing as “bad days”, just “bad moments”), but the difference is I am able to let go and surrender more. I lean in to these moments more because Jesus has shown me that HE is right here with me. He is teaching me; He is shaping me. He is using every bit of “bad” for good; for HIS good; for HIS glory.
Through the last, almost 3 years of my life, He has taught me how to harvest the seeds that have been planted, both good and bad. He planted just the right seeds the seeds I needed to weather the storm. I believe the “bad” journey I went through was for many reasons, but one for certain was the planting of a “seed” (i.e., an unexpected friendship) that led to me being introduced to yoga. And, from the first time I planted my feet on my yoga mat in my first yoga class, nothing but good seeds have been planted, and my harvest has been bountiful. Yes, my seeds, and therefore my vines need to be tended to; they need to be pruned. And, honestly quite often, they need to be ripped out of the ground. (Read Beth Moore’s Chasing Vines for more awesomeness on this metaphor) But, the seeds are there; I just need to water them and let them grow. And aside from my daily quiet time with God, I have found that yoga is one of the greatest sources of nourishment and watering. When I walk out of yoga and off my mat, and I am away from the asana, the breath, the meditation, the energy of the others in the class, what remains is the sensation of seedlings of joy, love, self acceptance, patience, peace and grace all bursting their way through the deep, dark soil.
If I accept my “seeds”, my feelings, my emotions- the good, the bad, the ugly, and actually let myself fully, nonjudgmentally FEEL them, and then send them on their way in to God’s hands, into the Universe, into my asana, into my breath, then I can be free because I am being brave. Trusting in my loving God, the bad, sad, sick, overwhelming, anxiety, depression ridden feelings are being used to shape and mold me. They are being used to stretch and grow me. “He is the potter, we are His clay” (Isaiah 64:8). When these feelings come to me, I now know to hit pause and even stop. I find my breath, I find my inner strength, and I talk to Him. Are you teaching me something here? Is this the enemy, bad seeds, trying to get the best of me? Trying to pull me from you? Trying to steal, kill and destroy my happiness? I know that when I hear my inner channels whispering or the enemy’s relentless, convincing voice, or feel fear, I can’t ignore it; I can’t push it away; I can’t stuff it deep inside me. NO! I will not do this; I am BRAVE. I feel all the feelings, but I take action anyway. Not in spite of them, but because of them. I move forward. Leaning on, and trusting in, God- for His “grace is sufficient for me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
And, while I’m at it…. I roll out my mat in sweet anticipation of planting more good seeds. Then I nourish them, harvest them and take delight in the reaping of new, beautiful, bountiful fruit.